INT. GURU DOSH’S PENTHOUSE SUITE, DOSH TOWERS, DAY We see the huge double doors of Guru Dosh’s penthouse. They are flanked by two statues; one a totem pole, the other a statue of a dollar sign. The door is opened and Roger walks through. Dosh is sat in a large leather chair behind a large mahogany desk. Upon the desk are 3 monitors displaying various graphs and pie charts of financial data as well as a phone switchboard with the names LIZ, BARACK, GEORGE, VLADIMIR, ROMAN, DAVID, RUPERT, POPE BENNY, SULTAN and BERNIE (scratched out). Behind the desk is a very large and imposing digital World Map Screen (like a Bond villain might have). On the other side of the desk is no chair but instead a psychiatrist’s couch, if a rather elegant and expensive one. The couch faces the desk and all visitors lay there for meetings with Guru Dosh. GURU DOSH: Aahhh Roger, how are you?please lay down. Roger Leconte: Here Guru, yes yes, please lay down, don't be nervous Roger Now, I have been thinking, I like to think: Think back and then forward, forward and then back. It is light and dark. Matter forms like memories bubbling up from the ether on a winter’s day, then dissipates… The mind, Roger, is a mystery. Yours has been broken but I can fix you through various techniques, rituals and systems. We can train your brain. You Roger are a fallen star and I can lift you up to shine again,We can train your brain and together we will reconquer and rule the empire in which you once reigned. ROGER LECONTE: Aftershave? GURU DOSH Yes Roger, we will spread yor scent amongst the masses, offering them the hope of individuality and freedom Yes, I want to share my very own scent with the planet, GURU DOSH (screaming like a preacher): Hullabaloo! Hullabaloo! Ah-men! I like you Roger. You have spirit and it is that very spirit that we will harness and package . Through this multimedia, spiritual epicentre you see around you… My empire Roger… I built this… Through the power of Guru Dosh, now is the time, Roger, for you to be resurrected, Proper Man will rise again. Roger is almost pleased yet reticent. Dosh turns to him. GURU DOSH: Dosh screams, screams, screams some more, falls to the floor and begins to fit and speak in tongues. It ends abruptly and Dosh springs to his feet like Prince Naseem Hamed. Dosh fixes his tie, dusts down his suit, pulls a cigar from a box and sparks it considerately. GURU DOSH: Here is what I have been developing, Roger. A small circular screen shoots out from the desk towards Roger’s surprised face. The screen and all of its components resemble a cross between a dentist’s lamp and a angle poise lamp. Roger lies still, as Dosh presents concepts/images/sounds of three possible after shave products: MIRACLE, EGO and MANHOOD. (The feel should be similar to the torture scene from 1984, or the Ludovico technique scene from A Clockwork Orange). Upon the presentation’s conclusion, Dosh walks to his desk, sits, and makes a quick phone call and some deal is made. Roger sits up and spins round to sit sideways on the couch. Roger reaches into his pocket for a cigarette. Behind Dosh, on the World Map Screen, a light above Italy flashes: ‘CALL FROM THE VATICAN’ GURU DOSH: You see, Roger… He pushes a button on the desk and the words flash up 'CALL REJECTED’. Dosh pushes another button and the World Map Screen rises up to reveal a very large window, giving an amazing view of the London skyline. Roger rises up and walks towards the window to stand by Dosh. GURU DOSH: You know, Roger, I look down at these people and I know, I know I spread happiness. Because, I look into deep within my heart and my SOUL and my – ROGER LECONTE: Bank account? GURU DOSH: Most importantly, my bank account! It’s Dosh that counts in this world. I know I KNOW what makes these empty vessels happy. Look at them. They are lost souls. Men are not proper men in this world any more. They are looking down at a busy London street from high above. ROGER LECONTE: You are right. GURU DOSH: Yes, yes, I am. Hullabaloo! Hullabaloo! Ah-men! We will show them the way, Roger and make a mountain of cash. Cash is energy, energy is love and love feeds the soul, exponential increase in overall profits… (Beat) This is the modern Holy Grail we seek. Bankers, kings, chavs, small children, mini cab drivers, they all, ALL tremble now at the wailing wall of demands letters and repossession orders. At the dawn of this new age we all seek spiritual happiness with a pension package. Something that can support us and our families and save MOTHER EARTH and the alien forces of love can reconnect to our inner child, YEAH! (Like James Brown) Hullabaloo! Hullabaloo! Ah-men! I understand the motivations of these soulless worker bees. I have sunk to the depths and risen to the highest heights. My loins they tremble with the Queen Bee’s most royal jelly. Dosh, in the centre of the room, stands with his legs apart, grabs his crotch and stares intensely at Roger. He then proceeds to pull Elvis karate moves as he walks around the room. All the while, Roger is smoking and watching impassively. GURU DOSH: Yes, I know what they want. I have already given them so much, but the interconnected energies of love and profit have reached a point in my mind where I can… feel… your forthcoming success. I have had visions Roger. (Deadly serious) Trust me, Roger, as your spiritual and financial advisor. I know what the masses want, I have already given them so much Hullabaloo! Hullabaloo! HULLABALOO! Barbie Yoghurts! HULLABALOO! Dosh Derivatives! Hullabaloo! The Donkey Sanctuary! Hullabaloo! New World Order Prize Draw! I am the sacred cash cow and they suck the very milk from my udders. And do you know what my milk tastes of, Roger? ROGER LECONTE: I think I can hazard a guess. GURU DOSH: It tastes of spiritual nourishment and financial enlightenment walking hand in hand. I am the prophet of profit, cleansing the minds of men, until their skulls are hollow like a chocolate egg and inside… Inside I place my plastic bullshit at a tidy profit, hullaballoo, hullabaloo, toys of love baby. Love. (He mimes, bending down, placing a small object delicately inside something) Manipulating their minds to consume my products is not a scam. This is not Enron. Due to our combined status as a charity and a religious institution, it is a profit that cannot be touched by the dark forces who seek to suckle from my bovine money teats. Their blackened hearts cannot ever be saved by tasting my milk of love. (He shakes his head, looking mournfully at Roger) We will sell them the dream of your perfume and they shall splash it on their gormless faces and be happy, because we will make them happy, smiling while they hand over their cash. Paco abandoned you. I know, he was like a father to you but we, Roger, are brothers, I am the mind, you are the face, we have the same soul, soul brothers, Yeah! (James Brown scream) And together… we can finally shift these Chinese chemicals I bought a few years back.